Ken's thoughts on Proposition 8 and me

I asked Ken, a Christian who believes in the sanctity of marriage between a man and a woman only, to guest blog when I wrote the piece Thoughts on Proposition 8. He has done so and I publish it below. But, since he begins the piece telling you all that I was the only person in his life he ever truly hated, I felt a little personal context was warranted.

I came to an appreciation of conciliation as the best way to live life after years of practice being a jerk. My base personality is competitive, opinionated, stubborn, argumentative and quick to anger. Also, as I have pointed out in other blogs, I appreciate schadenfreude. Not a recipe for a nice person, believe me. Of course, I do have many traits that temper those qualities. But, it was those qualities that led my brother, Ken, to hate me as we were growing up and for some time thereafter.

However, because I came to realize that my base traits sucked, I set myself on a course to seek conciliation whenever I could. I was wildly inconsistent in this endeavor. Whenever I am stressed, those negative traits re-emerge. One of the reasons I wanted to retire early is to remove that stress and, hence, remove the context in which my bad side emerged. In my life away from work people often actually find me to be fun-loving, generous, forgiving, kind, humorous, intelligent and down-right sweet. (C'est vrai! It's true!)

Anyway, in my relationship with Ken, I have consciously tried to be conciliatory for most of my adult life. Because we differed, politically and personally, on virtually everything, the possibility of conflict was ever-present. However, since Ken is, by inclination, conflict-adverse, I would have been the one stoking the fire. But, I want to live in a world where - as my Mom always says - we all just get along. So, at every turn, I took the high road.

Ken and I might never agree on much politically, but I do think we now both agree on the value of conciliation. It certainly worked for us.

Hi. This is Ken, Robin’s conservative evangelical brother, taking her up on the offer to join her blog for a few comments regarding Prop 8. First, some preliminaries…

On occasion, I have said that the one person I have ever truly hated in my life is my sister. As youngsters, she tormented me—and she really seemed to enjoy it! I was quiet, shy, and “good.” She was…well, different than me. In my late teens, I accepted the truth-claims of the Bible and became a Christian; Robin followed “a different drummer.” By the time we both left the nest, our relationship was poor at best.

I don’t know how I found out, or when, but I learned a few years later that my sister was gay, and I learned that I was the last in the family to be told. It had been, as I recall, two years since my parents and brothers were informed. Robin had been afraid to tell me because I was a Christian, and she wasn’t sure how I would respond. I felt at the time (and even more strongly now) that Robin’s fear of my condemnation meant I was doing something wrong as a Christian.

Much has changed since then. Slowly but surely I have come to love my sister—and to respect her.

We’re still very different, of course, and we disagree on quite a lot. For reasons I won’t go into, I didn’t vote this year (for the first time in my voting life), but if I had I would have voted yes on Prop 8 (to counter Robin’s no vote). As Robin has already suggested, that’s not out of hatred or a desire to deny people their civil rights—those rights are already in place. Instead, it is a reflection of my belief that the institution of marriage is God’s creation that can’t be redefined by man.

If we delved into that in more detail, there would certainly be many points of disagreement. And yet I also have come to learn that life is far more complicated than we often acknowledge, and it’s far too easy to look at someone else’s situation or perspective from our own limited perspective.

Are you familiar with the Parable of the Prodigal Son in the Bible (Luke 15)? The parable is often recounted in moralistic tones, with the point having something to do with avoiding the prodigal son’s wanton and rebellious existence. There is another brother, though, and the story is actually directed to people like him. He is angry, self-righteous, and condemning. The truth of the matter is that both sons are lost. Ultimately, the story is that of a Gracious Father, who unexpectedly loves and accepts both of his sons, and serves as an example for those who follow Him.

I may not agree with you, but I am in no position to condemn you. So let’s talk. I will probably never sway you from your opinion, nor is it likely that you will you sway me from mine. But perhaps we can at least learn to respect one another. And let me tell you, that makes a world of difference.